'True' Love

This is from a private journal entry I made one evening.

MAGGIE & CHRISTOPHER | 24th October 2020

I was on a pretty fruitless sojourn on Youtube today- when I came across & watched 2 videos of this young couple (22 at the time of the video) who had been dating online for 4 years & would meet in physical for the first time on the first of the 2 videos of them that I watched.

And booyyy...

I've never been in the 'presence' of such a love like that which emanated from my phone screen.

In the presence of such a TRUE love like that was.

I've never thought of the cliche phrase 'True Love', which we rattle off rather carelessly, as actually meaning TRUE- i.e Not false/fake/contrived LOVE.

Watching this couple felt like truth, kindness, purity, peace, acceptance, trust, comfort, confidence, maturity, safety, belief, freeing, support, respect, beauty, soul-filled, spiritual, honest.

It felt unconditional.

It felt true.

It felt true like what the bible tells me love is.

And they both felt true- Comfortable in their own skin and yet, in each other's distinct person-ness.

After I had smiled non-stop through watching both of those videos, I started to think to myself-

'I've never had a love like this.'

'I've never had a love like this. Not with x. Not with y. Not with z.'

I was going down what may have ultimately become a spiral of self-pity, when in reprimand, (as he is often to do) I heard the Holy Spirit. He said-

'You have never loved YOURSELF like this.'

'You have never had a love like this for yourself.'

'Loving your own self- has been filled with-

Doubt

Anxiety

Unsureness

Fear

Mistrust

A lack of effort

Discomfort

Dishonesty

Disrespect

Shallowness

How could you love others, with a love that you have been unable to drum up for yourself?'

'How do you have with someone else, what you don't have with yourself?'

I've been missing so much. My eyes have been fast shut.